I Don't Have to Love My Students to Be a Good Teacher (Opinion)

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I Don鈥檛 Have to Love My Students to Be a Good Teacher

Teachers should be allowed to keep their personal and professional lives separate

By Jherine Wilkerson 鈥� March 04, 2022 3 min read

Conceptual Illustration — Handini_Atmodiwiryo/iStock/Getty

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Jherine Wilkerson

Opinion Contributor, Education Week

Jherine Wilkerson is a middle school art teacher in Peachtree City, Ga. She is now in her 11th year of teaching.

I often miss the nuances of relationships with other people, the unspoken communication that takes place between us. As an English/language arts teacher, I can feel the depth of Hamlet鈥檚 despair when he says, 鈥淭o be or not to be,鈥� but I cannot understand what my principal is referring to when he says, 鈥淏e the you that you needed when you were this age.鈥�

This inability to understand the politics of the job can get in the way. The other teachers in the room are enraptured, clinging to my principal鈥檚 words as though they are profound and life affirming; I am incredulous.

I can鈥檛 pretend to understand. I have asked him 鈥渨hy鈥� one too many times, and, recently, in a fit of frustration, he stated, 鈥淚 want you to love your work and love the kids.鈥� Why do I need to do anything other than what I am contractually obligated to do, to be anything other than what I went to school to be: a person who can assist students with learning to read better and write well? Which class did I miss that stated I needed to be someone other than a teacher鈥攐r is this what I missed when I failed to read between the lines?

I am a good teacher. I have a knack for helping students learn to express themselves succinctly through writing. I am not, however, any student鈥檚 favorite teacher. No letters will be written to me in years expressing how much my winning personality changed them. But I didn鈥檛 become a teacher to be anything other than a teacher. I became a teacher because I saw a need, not because I had a latent desire to nurture.

I reserve my nurturing for my personal life and my own children. My nurturing is for my nieces and nephews and my siblings. Reading stories about selfless teachers calling students from a hospital bed after surgery to check in doesn鈥檛 make me feel good. It makes me question my own sanity. Is this what teaching is? If you are a good teacher who also loves kids, I feel so happy for you. I can鈥檛 relate, but I honor this part of you.

Teaching is dominated by women, and there is a clearly stated expectation that women are to give endlessly and selflessly. I think it鈥檚 why so often teachers are made to feel guilty about wanting to separate the job from their own lives. 鈥淵ou are a woman,鈥� society tells us. 鈥淵ou are supposed to want to give yourself.鈥� 鈥攚ho wouldn鈥檛 want to teach for nickels and then be found in the classroom after hours? Is there a more fulfilling way to go?

I don鈥檛 want to do that. I want to teach my students from 9 to 5 (or 7:40 to 3:40, as the case may be) and then I want to get off work. I want to be able to call my job that鈥�a job鈥攚ithout facing a piercing glare from an administrator for not cheerfully sacrificing my personal time to grade papers.

I don鈥檛 remember what I needed at 13. I was hyperfocused on a boy with spaghetti-noodle legs who made my heart flutter every time his eyes skipped over me in the hall. What I do remember is not caring one iota about what my teachers thought or who they were. I definitely did not care whether or not they loved me. That probably comes from a place of privilege, but still, I did not become a teacher to be the savior for society鈥檚 ills. I took out loans and went to school like any other professional, and love did not come up once.

What I really need as a teacher is a distinct line between my profession and myself. I work as a teacher. Being a teacher is what I do professionally. It is what pays my bills. I need parents to know that it is their job to love their kids and my job is to teach them.

My doctor doesn鈥檛 love me, nor do my dentist or my therapist. They can work for me effectively鈥攅ven better, I may argue鈥攚ithout the added unstated expectation that they feel deep unwavering affection for me. What鈥檚 more, I can have a good and meaningful relationship without love. I do not have to love everyone that I care for. I have not always loved everyone that I have cared for. It is only here in this profession that I am expected to.

What I need right now at 35 is for more of us teachers to stand up and proclaim, 鈥淚 can be a good teacher and not love my job.鈥� I am fulfilling a need and paying my bills. I have a student loan debt that must be repaid in cash every month. For that debt I received an education. It doesn鈥檛 have to be more than that. I shouldn鈥檛 have to give up parts of my soul, too.